There’s a special breed of moron who doesn’t seem to understand the term modelling, and who expects everything on a plate from manufacturers.  In this instance it’s a British outline modeller, for whom Bachmann’s latest 47 choice doesn’t fit his needs for multiple locomotives EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME EXCEPT FOR THE FUCKING NUMBER.  It can’t have escaped the notice of most british modellers that there are THREE new generation models of 47s available, the old Lima and Hornby models, and several aftermarket detailing parts.  If the current Bachmann choice in a given livery isn’t to your liking, get some tools out instead of your wallet, or even buy another make.  Unless you’re too busy doing other things with your hands, in which case I’d suggest cleaning them up before handing your models.  There’s also these magic products called paints, which allow a model which suits a particular set of detail requirements to be transformed into something you want.  Oh, I forgot… that also uses up valuable time when there are other matters at hand.

The self-pity of British modellers in this respect also riles me.  There seems to be a genuine belief that only British models are imperfect out of the box.  Often the muttonheaded onanist will refer to how US models are far better at lower cost.  I call bullshit.  There are US models which are lower cost, and US models which are better.  They’re not the same thing.  And even with the higher end models, perfection doesn’t exist.  If it did, how would companies such as Detail Associates survive?

When I was younger, I spent a lot of thoroughly enjoyable time modifying Lima locos to better represent what I wanted them to.  It was genuinely fun.  I was also doing repaints into Large Logo while in my teens, so perhaps I wasn’t well enough aquainted with my right hand.  I obviously spent too much time using it for tasks other than self-abuse.  Or perhaps I was just getting laid enough.  So, stop wanking and try some modelling- there are people who still do this, and they generally seem much nicer individuals.

On the face of it, independent forums would seem to host a free exchange of ideas and opinions.  Really, this isn’t so, for a vast number of reasons.  Firstly, the forum is the property of whoever spent the time setting it up and whose name is on the hosting bills.  This person’s view is therefore final, and if you’re daft enough to antagonise him, expect yourself to be moderated or banned.  In some cases this can be for something as simple as saying you’d like to see a ready to run model of a given train.  Secondly, the owners are scared of litigation- ill advised comments from muppets in the past and the subsequent threat of legal action from the criticised party has seen the robust criticism which used to be a characteristic of egroups and newsgroups all but disappear- rants against products are swiftly stemmed.  Strange then, that magazines can still make such criticisms, where the writer is much easier for the legal eagles to identify.

Some forums don’t seem to need such moderation.  This isn’t because they allow such postings, it’s simply that they have over time attracted a different membership.  Perhaps it’s bright colours, and the magpie-like collectors who don’t give a fig for accuracy are attracted to that.  Instead, you get a mixture of sycophantic posts heaping praise on the latest shiny toy, complaints that the models are too expensive (and therefore the collector can’t buy so many), to the odd plea for help when someone tries to do some actual modelling or something advanced like plugging a DCC decoder in.  Any complaints about product are usually so laughable that the manufacturers wouldn’t call a lawyer, they’d post it round the office.

There is also an unwritten rule on the larger forums- don’t mention one another.  It’s quite often possible to read near-identical discussions on two different fora, with many protagonists in common, yet on neither forum do they mention that they’re having a similar exchange elsewhere.  Likewise, there are a few modellers who feel the need to post their latest work everywhere, such is their thirst for praise and self-promotion.  In some cases, the modelling is excellent, and perhaps can be said to deserve such wide exposure, but in many it’s decidedly average stuff.  Of course, no one will say this, because the number one rule on all forums is do not criticise other people’s models. It might have been painted with a toothbrush, slept on by a cat while still wet and then buried in the garden for a week, but other than offering guidance with a friendly tone, you can’t say anything bad about it.  The number of times I’ve wanted to say “Jesus Christ pal, that’s fucking terrible!” is beyond counting, but instead the strongest action you can take is reading another thread instead.  On a few occasions this unwritten rule is  broken, and the result is always the same- the ham-fisted troglodyte goes crying to the administrators, the criticising poster is swiftly moderated and the offending posts removed.

So yeah.  Forums.  A free exchange of ideas and opinions?  No way.  But still, extremely useful.  Where does that leave us to exchange ideas freely though?  In person it would seem.  And perhaps I can offer my ideas here, but this is no exchange.

(Insert magazine here) says that this model has (insert error here)

What do you think of it though?

Well, it looks OK to me, but I trust (insert mag here)

Great.  Don’t you trust your own eyeballs, (insert insult here)?  Get back to the hive, drone.

That is all.

Rail Express like to think of themselves as a bastion of high standard modern image diesel and electric modelling.  They infamously once declared that modellers who buy inaccurate models have “blood on their hands” as the effect of buying such models keeps ready to run standards low.

Well, where does that leave someone who knowingly sells an inaccurate model?  Rail Express commissioned 37/5s from Bachmann with exclusive toolings.  All is not well however… 37510 should a smooth roof, but has been produced with a ribbed one.  For her pleasure?  Still, inaccurate is inaccurate!

We are well aware [of 37510's inaccuracy] and have already mentioned it here and also on places like the DEMU forum. We were originally going to produce 37515 but just a few weeks before we were due to announce the models this loco was involved in a severe accident, thus we decided to change the number to 37510. Unfortunately, due to the way the Bachmann moulding is designed the smooth roof would have meant a whole brand new insert which was prohibitively expensive.

Gareth Bayer, July 5, 2009.  OK, old news perhaps.  But what a shining beacon of hypocrisy this hentai manga freak is.  Everyone who buys this model has blood on their hands, and the Rail Express team must be the slaughtermen.

For all I’m ripping the piss here, I find it interesting how the attitudes have changed in 15 years or so.  I used to read ModelRail when it was a supplement to Rail magazine (and in many respects the predecessor of Rail Express- same staff, same interests), and exclusively modern image (as was still the acceptable term then).   The focus was upon improving the RTR available into some great models.  Now, with RTR better than ever, there is instead a focus upon fault finding which borders upon being a crusade by some journos.  There are still good articles about detailing and improving models, but they carry bitter overtones, with an underlying implication that the modeller shouldn’t have to be carrying out such work.  I don’t think they have to anyway.  There is only one applicable standard in railway modelling, and that’s the one the individual modeller is happy with.

It might seem strange that a mere pastime can polarise opinion, but that’s human nature.  Just watch what happens when you put Cardiff City fans in the same pub as Swansea’s supporters.  Yet our hobby has an image of quiet men fiddling about in a garden shed or attic, without a care but for their god-like influence over some miniature realm, somehow isolated from the conflicts of the wider world.

If you’re a railway modeller, you’ll know this isn’t true.  For almost as long as there have been model trains, there have been model railway clubs, magazine and exhibitions.  Each is one a platform for every opinionated bore who believes that his approach to playing with toy trains is the only right way.  I say he, because the vast majority are male.  The women you see are either long suffering wives or transexuals, with very few exceptions.  God knows, this is a mercy, as the arguments are bad enough already.

Arguments.  Endless, tedious, inconsequential  arguments pervade through the railway modelling world, from club rooms to the letters pages of the magazines via the modern soapbox that is the internet forum.  DCC vs DC.  EM vs P4.  Marklin vs the rest.  Every fuckwit thinks he’s right, and often he is, it’s just that the other wanker is also right, but only when you view the matter in question through their tunnel vision.  I don’t need some perennial bachelor to tell me that I should be doing something another way when I’ve asked how I can make something happen, I want to know how to make my toys work so that I can enjoy the time playing with them before I spend valuable time enjoying other aspects of life, such as showering or shagging.

Bah.  For now, if you’ve found yourself reading this, you’ll know where I’m coming from.  Next time: a look at internet forums.  Or something.